But if that's what it takes to praise You Jesus...

This post has nothing to do with the snow that we have been having. Although I like it right? haha no school for a week = longer winter break

I was trying to write about how I was playing with fire and how it got me thinking about how hot it was that I pulled back my finger and then just thinking about hell, how hot that would be, and thinking what it would be like if I was eternally separated from God... there must be a lot of pain there...=/

But instead I'll just talk about something that I actually think about a lot. haha

----------------skip to here if lazy...haha


Back in the day my youth group used to be a close group of people. Or still are a close group of people. I guess since I am always at college, I am not as aware of how they are doing or what they are doing =/. Trying to be close with them like in their "clique" was one of my main struggles before. They would always do things without me and I would never be invited to go with them places. And I guess what hurt me the most was that when newcomers were around, my youth group would be so nice to the new comers and all and invite them to wherever they were going after church.

Just some scenarios, after Bible study one time, everyone kept saying to each other, "are you going to so and so's place?" or like "hey how are you getting to so and so's place?" and it just hurt me so much at that moment that I didn't know what they were talking about or where they were going, and they would kinda be secretive about it. Like I would just hear small bits of it. And even the new comers (at that time) knew about it. Looking back it seems kinda dumb right? But I wish I was included with what they were doing.

It was kinda hurtful to me, like I felt maybe I wasn't as sociable, or something was wrong with me. Maybe I'm awkward or something like that. Like how come they never ask me how I'm doing? or how come they never invite me to whatever they are doing? But they invite the newcomers and hang out with the new comers all the time? And they always have sleepovers without telling me? They never take me out, but they take these other people out that they just met?

I kinda got bitter about it and stuff and they would always be like, (talking to me) "How you doin buddy? You ok? Why do you look sad all the time? Ok well see you man!" and then right after (talking to each other) "so who you riding with? I'ma ride with blah blah blah..." And I was just like (to myself), "I'm sad because you guys never seem to care about me."

But I guess it was just like that because I was always sad looking and being bitter, but I mean I really put in the effort to get to know them and everything. I really reached out to them and tried to talk to them and everything.

That was one of my main struggles, I mean I don't really care much now. I kinda accepted that they are that way. But they invite me to things now, except I have too much school work to go. I go when I can hahaha...

What have I learned from this? Honestly, I don't want to make up things, but basically, I didn't really learn much from it...hahah

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I learned how to appreciate it more when people reached out to me. When Brendon called me to ask me how if I wanted to study with him or that we should hang out, that really meant a lot to me, cuz it wasn't something that I usually got from other people. And just the people at KCM, when they reached out to me and showed me care, I really felt loved. When they suprised me on my birthday, I couldn't help but smile haha. No one ever did those kinda things for me before. That's one of the main reasons why I stayed at KCM.

Also another thing is my friends from high school and new friends in college. They really mean a lot to me, even if it doesn't seem like that sometimes, cuz I'm usually quiet. Am I? haha sometimes I feel like I either talk to much, or talk not that much. But when I am really tired or things are tough, I just like to relax and hear them talk and watch them do weird stuff haha. I love them so =] Also they always call me and stuff, and ask me to visit them or eat with them or just anything. I didn't get that from my youth group, until now I guess.

But now I appreciate it more when people take an effort to get to know me. I just been so used to this pokemon world where I press A to everyone and do all the talking and keep every conversation and every friendship alive. When people do that instead of me, whether it be at KCM, or my friends, or at the fellowship at OIL, I appreciate it more.