Hmm, I just came back from OIL...One In Love conference over at Montrose, Pennsylvania.
It's really late now...and I don't know, I kinda don't want to write a long reflection/summary again...
But I'll say this...
This is something that has come to my mind. I hope it is Biblically correct...
For a while, I would go to church and retreats. I would see these people who are so passionate about God. When the Pastor would say, "Jesus Christ died for you, Isn't that sooo amazing?"
Honestly, at the time, I didn't think it was sooo amazing. It was just some news to me. I didn't even know who Jesus was, and I couldn't see Him, or realize His significance.
If someone came up to you and gave you a cup of coffee and said, "it's on the house." How would you feel?
That's how I felt. I didn't know that person, yes...it's a nice gesture...but what's the big deal?
And I saw all these people worshipping God with some passion. I felt like something was wrong with me. Maybe I am some heartless kid. I can't cry at weddings. I can't cry as easily as some people unless it were a loss on my part...(selfishness)
But I wanted to be like that though...Why? I don't know...it's God's GRACEEE!! WOO HOO!!
There was a part of me that saw Jesus, and was like, "hey there's something different about You"
When that waiter who gives the coffee leaves I said, "Hey come back, who are you? Something is special about you...I'll take the coffee, but I need to do something for you too..."
And so for some time I was thinking, "how come I'm not that passionate? Did I really accept the gift? Because if I did, then I would be that passionate towards the giver, shouldn't I be?"
"What is wrong with me? How come I can't be that passionate? How come I am still here unmoved? I want that...I want to be passionate too, I want to see the evidence that I received the gift..."
But I've come to the realization that no matter how hard I tried, I realized that I couldn't force it. I can't put these desires into my heart. The true genuine desire for God...I tried so hard to have this desire. But I finally came to the point where I was getting depressed, desperate and hopeless. Why can't I desire God in that way? How will I know that I am saved?
But see, I realized, thats how I am supposed to approach God. HOPELESS.
Hopeless not only in terms of circumstance, that "Oh yeah I have no money, I have no family"
not only in terms of sin, "Oh yeah I can't stop sinning, I can't find a way to undo my sin"
but also in terms of, "Oh yeah I can't love God on my own. My desires don't seem to be changing"
(Yet by my own statement, that's already God's grace. To realize my need for a savior, means that God is already working in me. Because if God wasn't working in me, I wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't be having the desire to have the desire for God. Unless I wanted to desire God for selfish reasons, spiritual pride?)
And see upon that realization that I can't do anything, I know have to turn to God for this. I need God to give me this desire. I...need...Him.
I am falling!! I NEED GOD!!
FULL DEPENDENCE ON GOD for everything,
TOTALLY RELYING ON HIM for everything,
I CAN DO NOTHING,
GOD IS GOD,
GOD IS PERFECT,
GOD IS INFINITE,
ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE CAN I DO ANYTHING,
including the desire to desire Him.
And God is more glorious in that. He does everything, He gets ALL the glory.
Only through God, only Him
This is something I never learned from church(or maybe just realized more of the weight of that phrase "depend on God"), I wish I had known earlier, but now...I know, (because of God's grace).
What do you think? Is it right? Does it make sense?
5 comments:
"If someone came up to you and gave you a cup of coffee and said, "it's on the house." How would you feel?
That's how I felt. I didn't know that person, yes...it's a nice gesture...but what's the big deal?"
Yo man that like describes exactly how i felt when i was young. People kept telling me that Jesus died for me and it didn't sink it for a loooong time. It just felt impersonal. Then one day it was like WOAH... He did WHAT!?!
Good post HM
glad to hear that i'm not the only one =/ haha
I agree. That's the thing about grace. Our understanding of it grows as we mature. I felt the same way when I was younger, but as i grew I came to understand just what God did for us.
It's not merely a cup of coffee or a light act of kindness. As we understand the holiness of God, how perfect and amazing it is, and our own sinfulness, and the seriousness of sin against a holy God, and our complete and utter inability to so much as turn away from this disgusting sin that we are slaves to...
As God gives us understanding of this, I think the only response is passion and worship.
i think the only way we can experience God's grace more fully, which lead to passionate worship and desires to seek God, is the continuation of walking with Him. think of it this way, would we ever be passionate about music if we rarely listen to music, if we rarely play music? i think same kind of principle applies to this. if we dont seek Him even when we dont feel like it, would we ever be passionate about God? when would we feel like it anyways?
i guess for myself, since i was not Christian all my life, i can tell the difference of the life as non-Christian and Christian. and when i first heard Jesus died on the cross for all my sins, i was really convicted. even now, when i think back of my life without God, i can still feel the chill cuz though it was my childhood, i was still really sinful, especially in God's eye. idk hows that relevant though.... nevermind... =P
Man I know what you're going through hahaha oh my man, i know oh too well.
I'm not too sure how well OIL is run, but I remember my retreats would be the same...super passionate people who are crying and dancing and praising with what seems all their hearts. I was once like that, cried along with everyone, jumping up and down, you name it. However, post retreat, 90% no change.
I remember one retreat i just couldn't cry anymore. Because I couldn't cry, I couldn't jump and praise, because I couldn't do those things, i felt like an illegitimate worshiper.
It's only now I realize it was by God's grace that He wouldn't let me cry. He wouldn't let me jump and praise.
Retreats are EXCELLENT, but I know Korean retreats overemphasize emotions and end up building most of the retreat goers foundation on emotions. So what happens when that retreat high mindset slips and we get angry, or indifferent? We end up saying "forget God" and it's as if retreat never happened.
I love how the Lord has shown you that you need to depend on HIM and HIM alone. And where will you find this foundation? On the WORDS OF CHRIST!
May I direct you to a verse that I constantly recite to myself as I attend any retreat?
Matthew 7:24-27
Build your thirst and your passion on the Jesus Christ the Rock and His words, and you will find your passion to be an unquenchable one even through the seasons of drought. Why? Because that foundation is CHRIST not YOU, and therefore you have no choice but to be dependent on Christ and not yourself for He is your foundation and any house built on Christ will persevere.
Preach the gospel to yourself again and again, let your joy come from the message of Christ crucified and resurrected on the behalf of sinners like us. And let that joy lead to work! Work hard, my friend, for the Kingdom!
Jeremiah 17:7-8
Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a man who plants a tree by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green and is not anxious in the season of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.
Love you man, youve been so encouraging! Praise the Lord!
Foremost of sinners, redeemed by His grace, to Him be all the glory!
-Dan Ahn
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