Hmm, I just came back from OIL...One In Love conference over at Montrose, Pennsylvania.
It's really late now...and I don't know, I kinda don't want to write a long reflection/summary again...
But I'll say this...
This is something that has come to my mind. I hope it is Biblically correct...
For a while, I would go to church and retreats. I would see these people who are so passionate about God. When the Pastor would say, "Jesus Christ died for you, Isn't that sooo amazing?"
Honestly, at the time, I didn't think it was sooo amazing. It was just some news to me. I didn't even know who Jesus was, and I couldn't see Him, or realize His significance.
If someone came up to you and gave you a cup of coffee and said, "it's on the house." How would you feel?
That's how I felt. I didn't know that person, yes...it's a nice gesture...but what's the big deal?
And I saw all these people worshipping God with some passion. I felt like something was wrong with me. Maybe I am some heartless kid. I can't cry at weddings. I can't cry as easily as some people unless it were a loss on my part...(selfishness)
But I wanted to be like that though...Why? I don't know...it's God's GRACEEE!! WOO HOO!!
There was a part of me that saw Jesus, and was like, "hey there's something different about You"
When that waiter who gives the coffee leaves I said, "Hey come back, who are you? Something is special about you...I'll take the coffee, but I need to do something for you too..."
And so for some time I was thinking, "how come I'm not that passionate? Did I really accept the gift? Because if I did, then I would be that passionate towards the giver, shouldn't I be?"
"What is wrong with me? How come I can't be that passionate? How come I am still here unmoved? I want that...I want to be passionate too, I want to see the evidence that I received the gift..."
But I've come to the realization that no matter how hard I tried, I realized that I couldn't force it. I can't put these desires into my heart. The true genuine desire for God...I tried so hard to have this desire. But I finally came to the point where I was getting depressed, desperate and hopeless. Why can't I desire God in that way? How will I know that I am saved?
But see, I realized, thats how I am supposed to approach God. HOPELESS.
Hopeless not only in terms of circumstance, that "Oh yeah I have no money, I have no family"
not only in terms of sin, "Oh yeah I can't stop sinning, I can't find a way to undo my sin"
but also in terms of, "Oh yeah I can't love God on my own. My desires don't seem to be changing"
(Yet by my own statement, that's already God's grace. To realize my need for a savior, means that God is already working in me. Because if God wasn't working in me, I wouldn't care at all. I wouldn't be having the desire to have the desire for God. Unless I wanted to desire God for selfish reasons, spiritual pride?)
And see upon that realization that I can't do anything, I know have to turn to God for this. I need God to give me this desire. I...need...Him.
I am falling!! I NEED GOD!!
FULL DEPENDENCE ON GOD for everything,
TOTALLY RELYING ON HIM for everything,
I CAN DO NOTHING,
GOD IS GOD,
GOD IS PERFECT,
GOD IS INFINITE,
ONLY BY GOD'S GRACE CAN I DO ANYTHING,
including the desire to desire Him.
And God is more glorious in that. He does everything, He gets ALL the glory.
Only through God, only Him
This is something I never learned from church(or maybe just realized more of the weight of that phrase "depend on God"), I wish I had known earlier, but now...I know, (because of God's grace).
What do you think? Is it right? Does it make sense?
